Wife doesn't want the tank -- looking for convincing ideas

[Drzy]

Hey hey,

I was planning on putting a tank in my living room, as posted in this thread (http://maast.org/forums/showthread.php?t=39073) awhile back. I custom-ordered the tank ($1600) and everything was moving along, but the whole while my wife wasn't too into the idea. She was afraid it's going to look dirty, or make the house look bad.

After I picked up the tank, she decided she didn't want it. It's been sitting in the garage since February, and I've been trying to convince her for months now that it would look good, and that this is something I've wanted a long, long time growing up. A good spot for the tank was even part of the home-buying process. I can't just go and set it up without her permission though, that wouldn't be too good for the whole marriage bliss thing. :)

Does anyone have any advice? I'd really like to set it up, but she's put her foot down about this. I've made it clear to her how much this means to me, but she still says no. Is there anything I can do?

[des]

I'd show her how clean a tank can be installed in a home. I've seen some pretty jerry rigged tanks before and tanks that just look plain ugly when in a home environment, but you need to prove that it will be a cunning centerpiece in your home, not an obstruction.

[SaltyJim]

Hey hey,

She was afraid it's going to look dirty, or make the house look bad.



I know there are some other tanks in SA that would help to show her otherwise. Have you taken her on a tank tour yet? I know you got a chance to see bstreep's setup, but did she?

Good luck. Makes me glad I have the full support of my wife. Reminds me, I better go thank her for the upgrade I'm planning.

[pagan.n.damaged]

I wish i had some words of advice for you. Maybe show her some tanks of fellow members and let her see how beautiful they are. my husband and I both love tanks and have found that between the two of us we have a fairly huge obsession. You could also turn it into something for the two of you to do together.

[barderer]

well if you are going to put it on carpet its going to be a mess. Assuming you can set it up such that you pump the water out to a "dirty" maintenance area where you can change water have your sump etc. then thats the only way its going to come off clean. You could always put the old foot down and do it anyway :)

[Drzy]

I'd show her how clean a tank can be installed in a home. I've seen some pretty jerry rigged tanks before and tanks that just look plain ugly when in a home environment, but you need to prove that it will be a cunning centerpiece in your home, not an obstruction.
That's a good point. Unfortunately, my first tank that I had for a couple years wasn't very clean... I let salt creep all over it, and it was a FOWLR tank with not very good lighting. I've told her that was my first tank and that it was essentially a "practice" tank, but she (very understandably) thinks the new one will look like the old one.


I know there are some other tanks in SA that would help to show her otherwise. Have you taken her on a tank tour yet? I know you got a chance to see bstreep's setup, but did she?
She did see it, and we also saw Ace's. She loved them both. She thinks I couldn't do as good a job as they did, so at least she's definitely right about that part. :bigsmile:

I do feel like she gives in ever so slightly when we see a nice one, like at El Chaparral or the Caparelli's on Huebner.

[Drzy]

well if you are going to put it on carpet its going to be a mess. Assuming you can set it up such that you pump the water out to a "dirty" maintenance area where you can change water have your sump etc. then thats the only way its going to come off clean.
It'd go out to a dirty maintenance area, the garage is right on the other side of the wall.

Actually, I should've mentioned in the first post that the tank itself isn't really her biggest fear... messing up the house is. She doesn't like the idea of cutting holes in walls for plumbing, or needing to trim and refinish the drywall because the tank is about 1/4" of an inch too big. I've told her it would look great and that no one would be able to see anything but a beautiful, finished clean tank, but she still doesn't like it.

I feel inspired to go talk with her about it again right now. I try to not bring it up too often because she gets tired of hearing about it, but it's been at least 10 minutes since the last time. :)

[p00num3lli]

go tot utube and show her other people's tanks and how awsome they look

[clamgal]

You should show her some nice tanks. I've seen Bernie Valdez (lt1z28) in person and all I can say is WOW! It's the center piece in his house. I don't know how he would feel about showing it, but he seems like a very nice person. I would ask.

[joelb]

say this: does your mom or dad have a garden? (yes) do they like their garden? (yes) would you consider them to be "wise"? (yes) ....now, my sweet ray of sun light, i'm not asking for a salt water tank, im simply suggesting that we copy your "wise" parents and start a very small, beautiful garden of our own, that together with your shining rays of love can luminate beauty in our wonderful household all year round in the form of a miniture coral reef. now i don't want you to answer right now, because 1st, i have something for you. (give here a rose of here favorite color). then as it blooms and begins to dye, compare and contrast the pros and pros of having a reef tank. simple as that.
also tell here that everyones doing it....that works for my girl:bigsmile:

[Jonthefishguy]

Set it up anyways. If it is truly what you want, then set it up. If she gets mad, she gets mad. It will blow over.

[ACE]

Show her some of the thousands of photos on reef central, and tell her you promise to make it look like some of those. Good Luck

[jrsatx20]

Just do it. It's easier to ask for forgiveness then to ask for permission

[ismvel]

say this: does your mom or dad have a garden? (yes) do they like their garden? (yes) would you consider them to be "wise"? (yes) ....now, my sweet ray of sun light, i'm not asking for a salt water tank, im simply suggesting that we copy your "wise" parents and start a very small, beautiful garden of our own, that together with your shining rays of love can luminate beauty in our wonderful household all year round in the form of a miniture coral reef. now i don't want you to answer right now, because 1st, i have something for you. (give here a rose of here favorite color). then as it blooms and begins to dye, compare and contrast the pros and pros of having a reef tank. simple as that.
also tell here that everyones doing it....that works for my girl:bigsmile:
Ha ha ha ha...Joel's a trip....perhaps you should try to get with Texreefer so you can see his set up. Both Joel and I saw his set up at the same time and am sure he can attest to how clean it all looks. His is in the entry way of the house in a picture frame (if I am not mistaken)...and the fish room and maintenance area is in the garage which he enclosed. It is a great set up and shows how gorgeous a tank can look when all the "mess" is outside and non obtrusive. And you saw them, but both Bill and Ace (hobogato) have great set ups as well.

Or even Ray Allen's tank has a very nice clean look to it...and all I have seen are pictures...looks like his fish room is in a closet or under the stairway or something...not sure....but it can be done really cleanly and you don't have to be a carpenter to make it look good. I liked the way my previous tank turned out (avatar) before I sold the house, and I am in no way shape or form Ace....errr...I mean a carpenter...LOL...either way...good luck to you...

We moved here about a year ago, but when we purchase our home, I am definitely placing an in-wall tank.

This is how easy it can be.....not professional, but good enough for my wants/needs/satisfaction

http://www.saltwaterfish.com/vb/showthread.php?t=244371&highlight=daddy%27s+room

[Kristy]

Okay, two years ago I was the skeptical wife and my husband Mike was the one with a saltwater dream... so I have a lot to say on this subject.

Mike pushed me into setting up our first saltwater tank with one of the many tanks out in our garage. I was very concerned about the aesthetics and did not want a dirty mess in our living room of our new home that I take pride in. I agreed to a 10 gallon hex for the living room and it was always covered in salt creep (old tank with leaks around the trim) and we made pretty much all the mistakes that you can imagine we would by listening to some less reputable LFS and before we learned about MAAST. BUT... when we upgraded to a better quality tank (which you have already invested in) and better equipment, etc. we now have a beautiful feature in our home that we are both completely enamored / obsessed with.

In order to alleviate my concerns and get my cooperation, Mike got me involved in the process (and truthfully that was not so hard because I quickly developed interest). I would suggest that you do a lot of research together as to what she likes and does not like about people's tanks with the express purpose of getting her input and with the goal being to create a tank that she can enjoy too. I bet she will agree to this because of the initial investment of a $1600 tank.

You are welcome to come look at our tank sometime for this purpose, just to get a feel for her likes and dislikes and get her involved. I'm happy to give her a sales pitch from the woman's perspective too.

By the way, I would NOT go with the "just do it anyway" opinions expressed here and there. No offense guys, but that does not make for marital bliss. There are so many financial decisions that are coming your way about your tank and you don't want her fighting you on each one, nor do you need her coming up with a way to retaliate (we girls are really good at that one).

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

[Jonthefishguy]

ha, like I said, do it anyway. Your a grown person and able to make your own decision on what you want.

[pagan.n.damaged]

A little wife advice about just doing it. If you do it without her she will resent you and any time you spend on the tank and it doesn't matter if it turns out to be the most beautiful tank you've ever seen she'll still hate it. Make her a deal that the second you start to slack on keeping the tank clean you'll start finding it a new home. Most wives will cave to the if I fail to do my part you'll be right and it will go away.

[SABOB]

I'm lucky,while I was at the hospital with my Dad,my wife cut the wood for the doors to enclose my tank,prepped and painted the doors and helped me hang them when I got home.

[jc]

So she let your spend all that money and then changed her mind? It sounds like she was giving in in small increments. When the reality of setting it up came she made her true feelings known. If I were you I wouldn't set it up or try to change her mind. She never liked the idea from the beginning and her attitude will only put a damper on your enjoyment. Start researching a smaller tank. Maybe something specialized like sea horses or cuttlefish. The point is to enjoy the hobby. I don't think you can if your wife is going to make a face every time you mention something reef related. I also think it is inevitable that something will go wrong (water leak, algae bloom) and if you force the issue when something does go wrong you won't stop hearing about it. Tell her you are willing to compromise and move to a smaller aquarium. Maybe even put it in another room.

[aquasport24]

So she let your spend all that money and then changed her mind? It sounds like she was giving in in small increments. When the reality of setting it up came she made her true feelings known. If I were you I wouldn't set it up or try to change her mind. She never liked the idea from the beginning and her attitude will only put a damper on your enjoyment. Start researching a smaller tank. Maybe something specialized like sea horses or cuttlefish. The point is to enjoy the hobby. I don't think you can if your wife is going to make a face every time you mention something reef related. I also think it is inevitable that something will go wrong (water leak, algae bloom) and if you force the issue when something does go wrong you won't stop hearing about it. Tell her you are willing to compromise and move to a smaller aquarium. Maybe even put it in another room.

very well put..i was thiking the same.

[rz1a]

just tell her that its an inexpensive hobby ;]

but maybe what you should do is take her along with you a friend's house to "talk" and while youre there, show her your friend's tank.. just try to put it in back of her mind so shell slowly start seeing how gorgeous all the animals are

take a trip to brian's house, lol

[Tyler Pebley]

well say first of all that aquariums help with alzheimer's and second if you cant i might be able to buy your tank ha

[LoneStar]

http://www.sndgems.com/diamond-bracelet-5678.jpg

That convincing enough?

What are you planning on keeping in this new tank? I second taking a tank tour or showing her TOTM photos here or on Reefcentral.

[ACE]

That convincing enough?

What are you planning on keeping in this new tank? I second taking a tank tour or showing her TOTM photos here or on Reefcentral.


So true, smart man. This method works for my wife on big purchases, or, help convincing. IMO, the advice of "just doing it" is not sound if you intend to have a happy marriage.

[captexas]

Have to find some kind of acceptable balance between the two of you. If you don't, she will always use it against you. She doesn't have to get into the hobby as much as you do, but she has to appreciate it enough to let you do it. As others have stated, show her how some examples of other well done tanks and allow her to give input on how she would like it to look (as far as trim, paint/stain colors, etc.). Getting her involved in the design and overall process will hopefully give her a vested interest or at least enough interest to allow you to continue with it. I would also try to explain to her that this is your hobby and there are far worse hobbies or things you could be spending your money on. Plus it is a hobby that keeps you at home, close to her.

[papijames]

LOL well, well, well, I really thought you've already convinced her. Too bad I can't give you any "good" advice since you already know I never tell my wife the truth about my purchases.
By the way the humahuma is doing great in the tank, and the super skimmer keeps my tank healthy. should you get the ok, I now have a few pieces of zoas and can hook you up with some, the same way you took care of me when I 1st joined Maast.
Best of luck pal

[alton]

First mistake should of had it full of water when she got home, cant return it so might as well keep it. Worked for me 20 years ago, okay so she did not talk to me for a week. I have been married for almost 25, she still complains when she sees the debit tickets but oh well, I could be sitting at a bar spending the same amount wasting it away? Read this response to my wife before I sent it, and she replied kiss my A//. Love being married.

[captexas]

LOL, yeah, that's another argument to keep it. Since you already received it months ago, you can't return it. Tell her if you try to sell it now, you will probably only get about half of what you spent on it.

[LoneStar]

you will probably only get about half of what you spent on it.

If your lucky! Sometimes even less.

Or he could end up like Gator and never end up selling it!

[sampsonndelila]

humidifier! No more dry air in the house??

[Drzy]

Thanks all, lots of great replies! Many helpful, and many humorous. :)

I'm going to show her this thread and see what she thinks. I really like the idea of showing her more tanks at other homes. If she sees how nice some look in other homes, then she could see how it could look in ours.

And hey, Papijames, great to hear from you! I'm glad to hear the huma huma is doin' well... thanks for your help, the hot tub is doing well too. :bigsmile: Considering what a beast that thing was to move, I'll make that trade again any day of the week. It was great to meet you!

[ErikH]

Start with a small SPS dominant tank and fill it with corals that pop. Put a mandarin in there.

BAM, sold.

[zcatzmeow]

Completely agree with the bright SPS and the mandarin!
:bigsmile:

What I would say is that at this point you will still take a loss selling the tank and equipment. Ask for her to give it a chance and then two of you agree to a set amount of time at the end of which you will re-evaluate the tank. It's fair, and it's a compromise. Marriage is compromise.

As the tank is being stocked and corals are being picked out, seek her advice and opinions. We females often have a knack for decorating, or creating an awesome flowerbed and this is underwater gardening.

I'm extremely picky about the tanks that are displayed in my home. To your wife this will seem like a new piece of furniture and in her mind you've just picked out the shiny black lacquer bed and velvet Elvis art. Respect her feelings about keeping a nice home and stay on top of your tank. Seek her opinions in coral colors, types, and placement.

Good luck! And if she wants to talk to any of us reef girls, see our tanks, or hear about the compliments we get whenever anyone walks in the house, send her our way :)